Be.

Worry...

2006-03-16T23:32:00.000-08:00

I received a phone call this afternoon that left me feeling very worried...and a little bit upset. I felt slightly unfair that I have to go through this a second time and I wonder whether it'll go on smoothly as it had the first time I went through it...It wasn't an experience that anyone by choice would want to have but I guess I'll just have to handle it to the best that I can...for a friend, for everyone else. But I don't want to lie to myself - I'm feeling so damn worried! And so tired of it all. :(

Nice food, nice company

2006-03-15T01:56:00.000-08:00

Had an especially wonderful dinner today. 12 of us turned up at Orchard Building's Sakura restaurant to celebrate the birthday of a close friend and laughters erupted from our table ever so often throughout the dinner. Adjourned to Ice Cold Beer over at Emerald Hill after that and the all-girls chill out session was equally a relaxed and fun affair.

The only thing that got me slightly pissed was how I didn't even get a single word of thanks after all that amount of time and efforts spent on doing a favour for a friend. Time taken from my off day, no less. Not that I am calculative but I really would rather use that amount of time to sleep instead - something that I'm so deprived of these days...and I don't think it's too much of me to expect a simple word of thanks. But no, not a single word throughout the evening.

Thanks man.

My heart cries...

2006-03-06T07:33:00.000-08:00

Attended a funeral wake two days ago that..still affects me in a bad way till now...and I haven't been sleeping well for the past two nights...

On the way there, I felt this heaviness in my heart..it was so heavy that I blurted out 'I've got a very bad feeling inside me...' when we neared the carpark. Everyone in the car just fell silent...

As we got out of the car, I was advised by MamaG to lead everyone else because I'm closest to the deceased's family...I took a deep breath and did so. His parents were being comforted by someone else when I stepped near; I turned to the coffin and saw her, bent over the coffin, weeping. She looked up to see me standing there and walked towards me...I gave her a hug as she cried into my shoulder. I fought back my tears. She started to lead me over to the coffin where her brother rested in, and bent over the coffin again. As I gazed at his face, wondering when and how he had gathered the courage for that...jump...I could no longer hold back my tears..it was especially painful for me because he had jumped to his death the night before..on my birthday...on 3rd March...I had just turned 24 and he was just 18...it felt so wrong to be looking at such a youthful boy lying in there...it's just so wrong...memories of the few conversations I had with him flooded my mind...

Her parents walked over to me and her mum hugged me tightly, crying, 'Janet..my only son is gone...I've left with only one child now...my heart feels so..pain..' I cried..and cried with her..I didn't know what to say, didn't know what to do..I could only hold her and hope, with all my strength, that I could somehow, support her by just doing that, by crying with her and telling her to stay strong for her daughter...

When I looked up, I saw the rest of them holding joss sticks in their hands in front and paying their respects...she led me over to join them. When Ivy passed me the joss sticks, my tears fell again...I couldn't help it...and I thought to myself, once again, how the whole picture before me was so wrong...

Her dad came over...and with tears in his eyes, clamped my hands in his and shook them, the pained expression on his face hit me in the stomach...

He's only 18...the age group majority of my artistes fell into...it scares me to hell...now I can only pray for her parents..for her..pray that they will stay strong for one another..for him...

Time flies...

2005-11-30T08:30:00.000-08:00

Gone is the castle that holds so much memories of the most significant year of my life so far...

Memories come in waves...

1. how it took 10 of us to carry one piece of furniture into the castle end 2004
2. the very first x'mas party held at the castle in dec 2004.
3. counting down to year 2005 in a cheongsum - no less
4. the sleepless nights spent at that table
5. my mini birthday celebration
6. the first aop
7. the first act
8. the last act - now called 'house'
9. the unplug nights
10. AM - my pride and joy, my baby
11. the lovely people who had trusted and supported us all this while
12. the 'friendly' invisible uncle that stays at the castle

Oh, you mean 12 months have passed since that countdown party?

Grouchy...

2005-11-21T13:32:00.000-08:00

So much's happening around me right now and strangely, in the midst of all this drama, I have unwittingly assumed the role of a spectator.

I was tucked away in Taka office most of the time, immersed in the job scope assigned to me and away from all the drama unfolding at the other side.

It ain't exactly that great a feeling to have. Major decisions were made without my input and though it didn't exactly affect me, well not directly anyway, it sure affected a lot of people around me, people who look upon me as one of the decision-makers. Get me out of the spot, someone. Please.

I feel tired...and grouchy. My left ear hurts. The stupid ear infection just won't go away and I'm so reluctant to touch those painkillers given to me by the doctor...for fear it would cause me to go all drowsy again and my entire body to go limp and useless.

Last Sat, the last AOP was held. The atmosphere was great. The mood was high. The artistes were at their best. Everything was perfect, save for the fact that damn was it so frustrating to make a speech that I can barely hear myself. I just went up there and finish it off as best as I could, all the while hoping that no one would sense anything amiss.

So many things to do, so little time. There's the moving, the endless lists of to-dos, the figures, the logistics, the responsibilities...

I want to go bangkok in January, badly. I want to spend my next birthday with my mummy and daddy. In melbourne. I miss my family. I haven't seen them for so long. I miss husky.

The price of my future. Staring at me in the face.

Working on Sundays

2005-10-30T23:53:00.000-08:00

Sunday. Another day at work. 'You're working on a Sunday?' is the question I get all the time. I usually reply with a smile. Pretty used to it.

Today's a bit unusual though. Spent my afternoon working away as usual but by evening, I found myself all alone - without my two partners whom I'm usually with all round the clock, 24/7.

Truth is, I found myself missing them already. The way I had missed my family when I first moved out of home.

I cried over a sms that I received today. I shared that sms with my two partners - after I've wiped my tears away of course. Yes, I love them but you see, they can be quite bitchy at times and are pretty capable of calling me an emo bitch. Heh.

Work has taken over my life completely for the past two years. But I'm so close, so close I could taste it. Looking back, I know it's all worth it.

Forgiveness

2005-10-16T22:47:00.000-07:00

Without forgiveness life is governed by... an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation. ~Roberto Assagioli

For the past year, I've witnessed for myself the destruction stemming from a heart set out for revenge and refusing to forgive. I didn't understand why and how one could harbour so much hatred towards another human being. Till recently.

I was hurt big time by the same person whom I've been trying to protect from all this destruction. How ironic. That hatred in me even rose to a point when I felt I could easily create the same kind of destruction that I've witnessed...

I thought of the satisfaction that I would gain from him suffering from not one, but two sources of hatred. I thought of how he would wish he has never hurt me the way he had...boy wouldn't that all be sweet revenge?

But what kind of person would I become? The quote says it all...

I am not ready for my life, my future to be one filled with an endless cycle of resentment and retaliation...I see it as a trap for myself, and it would be a choice made by no one else but myself. Lewis B. Smedes probably said it best with "To forgive is to set a prisoner free and discover that the prisoner was you."

All it takes is a decision.

That one decision that would determine the course of actions that I am to take.

I made the decision to forgive...it was hard but it wasn't a reluctant one...most importantly, I know it's a decision I won't regret...

Breakaway - Kelly Clarkson

2005-02-17T20:45:00.000-08:00

Grew up in a small town
And when the rain would fall down
I just stared out my window
Dreaming of a could-be
And if I'd end up happy
I would pray (I would pray)

Trying not to reach out
But when I'd try to speak out
Felt like no one could hear me
Wanted to belong here
But something felt so wrong here
So I pray (I would pray)
I could breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Wanna feel the warm breeze
Sleep under a palm tree
Feel the rush of the ocean
Get onboard a fast train
Travel on a jet plane, far away (I will)
And breakaway

[Chorus:]
I'll spread my wings and I'll learn how to fly
I'll do what it takes til' I touch the sky
I'll make a wish
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget all the ones that I loved
I'll take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway

Buildings with a hundred floors
Swinging around wild indoors
Maybe I don't know where they'll take me but
Gotta keep moving on, moving on
Fly away, breakaway

I'll spread my wings
And I'll learn how to fly
Though it's not easy to tell you goodbye
I gotta take a risk
Take chance
Make a change
And breakaway
Out of the darkness and into the sun
But I won't forget the place I come from
I gotta take a risk
Take a chance
Make a change
And breakaway, breakaway, breakaway